Set An Example

"You Can't Kill Yourself....You Have Twitter Followers Now"
~Claire

I haven't blogged in a week because I've been digesting what's happened. Last Wednesday, I was invited to a Middle School to talk to students about my life and offer hope that they can overcome child abuse, eating disorders, depression...etc. I talked with a lot of students, had my heart broken, and I walked away thinking that I'd done some good.

My stuff, in a somewhat neat stack

I returned to the basement that night, after being so excited about the difference I was making, and found that several of the girls had already friended me on Facebook, followed me on Twitter, e-mailed me...I returned the e-mails, pitched my author page on Facebook to them, and went to sleep happy. I was making a difference.

Thursday, I woke up, in the basement. I was cold, cranky, and not wanting to move. The happiness faded. I looked around the area and my stuff was surrounding me like a prison cell. I got off the couch, and my back and leg hurt because of the way Baxter was sleeping on me. I did an interview with one of the girls as an author, things I've learned, advice to give to aspiring young authors (still the whole Don't Give Up! business)...But something started eating at me. I went to the post office, ran other errands, and got gas. At the pump, someone from the Advertiser Democrat interviewed me, so I'm in the paper today for an opinion column.

But the more I evaluated my life, the more I started feeling like a hypocrite.

Friday, I went to work. My knees hurt, I got frustrated with small things, and thought, Who am I kidding? Who am I to be talking to girls about having hope? I live in a f#$ing basement! I get paid a little above minimum wage, with a college degree. I have bills that I can barely pay...

Then the thought hit me; I have a college degree. I can do anything I want. 


Bone crushing fear took hold of my heart, I can't fail. 

It is no longer an option for me.

If I'm depressed, if something bad happens, I cannot kill myself now. Why? Because I met these incredible girls who look(ed) up to me. If I relapse, all this hope that I've been spewing will be complete bullshit to them. Keeping myself alive, keeping me going now is the only choice I have. (That whole Practice What You Preach Business.)

More of my crap. I need to downsize.

I can't mess up, can't turn to drugs, or liquor, and homelessness. All of those things are failures. Now, because I said I'd come speak to a middle school, I have to do something with my life.

This is a lot to live up to.

Last week, I received rejection letters, I didn't get the job at the vet clinic I'd applied to. I am still broke, frustrated with life, living in my friend's basement, and constantly on the cusp of giving up.

But, I don't, and I haven't, because now, I can't.

Since these epiphanies, my sister has mentioned Teach for America, as well as supporting me no matter what. I'm considering applying, but I don't know what will happen between then and now. After speaking with these girls, I do know that I want to do something that can actually affect people and start creating change and hope. (Yes, writing novels can do that, but I'm not published yet, so until I am, I need a back up plan!)

Yesterday, I went back to the school and had the girls start their own Boards of Inspiration. The idea is that this board will have happy things, things that when they're sad, will help them get through the hard times; uplifting or funny quotes, pictures, inspiring words. I walked around the room, and saw several of them were putting TWLOHA pictures on their boards, and my heart flew (I wore their shirt to speak on the first day. Yesterday, I wore a Boycott BP shirt :) ).

A lot of the girls seemed really happy to see me, and I felt blessed to be back.

When I left, I went to Claire's, dropped off some food, and then went to my UNE manager's house. It was his 18th wedding anniversary, and they fed me lobster. His wife asked why I was asked to speak at the school, and I told her about my hospitalization, my eating disorder, my depression. She looked at me point blank and said, 'You had an eating disorder?' and I answered,  'Yes. Your husband was one of the people to help pull me out of it.'

When I left, they told me that they were proud of me, and if I need any help getting a place to live financially, they'd help me, no questions asked.

So here's what I've come to conclude. I'm not full of bullshit. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder every day of my life. Each night that I fall asleep without hurting myself is a victory. Each morning I wake up, is another day to influence people, to be a role model. I have scars on my leg, and wrist, but I try every day to push through. I won't tell them that life will be easy, because I, and most people know that THAT is a lie. Instead, I'll tell them that they can get through anything, because they can, and I am living proof of that.

Yay for being happy!

Thus, I've decided that I'm sick of living life the way I've been, it's time to start making changes. I moved to Maine to find happiness, and at Sunday River, I found it. Now, it's time to start making a difference. It's time to start being someone that truly deserves to be looked up to. I told Claire last night that while these girls may think I made a difference in their lives, they've completely changed mine.

First things first, find a place to live.

The Editing Phase

The rejection letters are rolling in. Some amazingly awesome rejections...some average. But the fact is, they're still rejections, and they're probably my fault. So how to remedy this? Oh, right. Edit. Edit. Edit. 

The biggest thing I need to work on is my hook. My "What is your novel about"? I'm finding that each time someone asks me what my novels are about, my answer changes. How does it change? It gets stronger. The problem I'm running into as the writer, is that I know my stories inside and out. I can almost tell you on which page these people interact, what they say...etc. But on the smaller scale of things, these interactions don't matter and won't hold up in a query letter.

So, I've been having to take a step back. What makes my story interesting? Why would other people want to read it? And finally, what is my story about? I'm going to continually ask myself these questions until I'm in Seattle actually meeting with people at the PNWA conference (or Orlando and the LitDay adventure!!).

Outside of query editing, I've finished my second round of Igniting a Firestarter. It is now 215 pages, and just above 61,000 words. Last night I also resubmitted Confessions of an Immortal Heart which meant more editing for that novel (still around 73,000 words). I'm also excited because I've picked up more readers for both novels...by pitch alone. 

If you read my interviews with myself, I ask "What are your novels about?" I used to HATE that question. Now, I look forward to it because it puts me on the spot, and I need to say something quickly to whoever asks so they don't lose interest. I feel like this will help with speed pitching to agents, or even regular pitching. 

I cannot wait for Orlando and Seattle. Cannot. Wait.

The Best Rejection

This is my "I just got rejected' face

I've gotten a lot of rejection letters in my day. I've given myself the 15 Minute Window (which has now become more like the 5 minute window because they no longer hurt) and carried on. Yesterday, I didn't even need the window. I was completely excited over a rejection letter...over THIS rejection letter:

Dear Ms. Schmidt:

Thank you so much for querying me and giving me the opportunity to consider both CONFESSIONS OF AN IMMORTAL HEART and IGNITING A FIRESTARTER.  At this point, I'm primarily looking for books geared toward an adult market and I wouldn't be a good match for YA projects such as yours, even though they may have crossover appeal.  

I wish you the best of luck and much success with your writing career.

Sincerely,

An Awesome Agent

Now, you may be asking...why was I so excited about this? Because most rejection letters look like this:

Dear Writer (notice in the rejection above, she addressed ME):

Thank you for your inquiry. We are sorry that we cannot invite you to submit your work (The agent above actually said what my works were that I had submitted) or offer to represent you (She also gave me a very valid reason as to why my work wasn't appropriate for her). Moreover, we apologize that we cannot respond in a more personal manner. (Exactly).

We wish you the best of luck elsewhere.

Sincerely,

An Agent

However, while those things completely ROCK that the first agent did....here's why it was the best rejection I've gotten--Because the agent went through and even said, "...even though they may have crossover appeal..." Why is this awesome? Because my query letter suggested that my novel might crossover. She reiterated my words back to me, letting me know that she had fully read my query letter.

So to recap:

Agent 1 addressed me as me; not author, writer, sir, ma'am, anything else. They used the titles of my novels.They gave me a reason as to why she was passing (she doesn't represent YA. Which I knew, but I figured I'd try :) ). The agent used something from my query letter. 

This personalization completely made my evening yesterday, even though it was a rejection. 

Status: Still Submitting. 

How To Interpret Rejection

So, there are several ways to receive a rejection letter. Yes, I won't lie to you, it's hard..even for me. But at the same time...there are different ways to take it.

If you've received a form rejection--(For those of you who don't know, a form rejection is the pre-typed letter that essentially says, "Thanks, but no thanks" only nicer):

1) Remind yourself that you were brave enough to submit your work to someone. Congratulations. Take your fifteen minutes, get back up, re-work your query or your pages, or whatever may be lacking, and resubmit. Some agencies allow re-submissions. Some say wait 6 months. Do your research if you're submitting to the same agency. Otherwise, find new agents.
**Remember. Each time you get rejected it hardens your skin. Each time you get rejected you feel it a little less. Look forward to rejections. It means you submitted. Allow people to tell you Jordan got cut from his JV team, or research authors who collected a million rejection letters. When you get published, find something creative to do with them.

2) Are you offended (to any degree) by the rejection  you're holding/looking at? If yes, then that is AWESOME. Why? Because if they're hurting your feelings, it means you believe in your work, which is a thousand steps ahead of the average Joe. Congratulations.
**Remember. Even if you LOVE and ADORE your work it may still need editing. Don't be afraid to do it...AGAIN. You're only making your submissions stronger.

Alright, now, if you've been asked for a partial, or full, or....and still get another form rejection read the above passage and now this--

1) Once again, you're ahead of the game. At this point, I've received like 17? I think? rejections and have had one partial request. This tells me that my ideas are good enough but my pages need more work. For some reason, the readers are not connecting with my character. I (the author) need(s) to remedy this. Do I love my story? YES. But does it need work? (**Grits her teeth**) Obviously. Sadly. Here we go into the editing process again.
**Remember a partial request is AWESOME. Even though there's still a chance of being rejected, be excited for the request. It's huge! Congratulations, again.

2) If you managed to receive some feedback, feel BLESSED. Beyond blessed. I've read many agency blogs that say, "We're just too busy, I'm sorry." If an agent is willing to offer feedback, I'd suggest listening to it. I would suggest doing everything they say (unless it's something that you feel goes against your story).
**Remember, 99% of the writers who are submitting aren't getting any feedback. If you've gotten even a sentence, consider yourself lucky!

So...after these lengthy explanations, the moral of the blog is that REJECTIONS ARE YOUR FRIENDS. I feel like if we didn't get rejected a few times, we'd be the cockiest people...EVER. There is an agent out there for you. He or she wants your manuscript to have a happy home and a long shelf life. Don't give up hope. Edit, resubmit, hold your breath.

Good luck!

15 Minute Window

So, you've received your first rejection letter. No? Maybe your sixth? Maybe more?

Firstly, congrats on submitting to that many people. Hopefully you researched them, and decided that you were what they were looking for.  (Remember, personalize each query, each submission, if you didn't do this, this may be why you're staring at a shiney rejection letter)
Secondly, from the second you open that letter, you have what I consider the 15 Minute Window. In this time you're allowed to think:
What the f@#k?!
Oh man, I'm so sad!
Why didn't they like me?
Who cares I don't need them! I'll find someone better.

***********NOTICE*********

I said THINK these things. DO NOT, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER send a letter to the agent telling them this. Keep these things to yourself, or maybe a friend who is in person. Do NOT write a blog complaining, do not blow up your facebook wall, or your twitter if you have it. THINK these things. Or eat some ice cream. Maybe some oreos (which reminds me...I just ran out). Maybe even open a beer.

For these fifteen minutes, you're allowed to cry, to throw things, to punch your pillows, whatever you feel, (except attack the agent or editor who rejected you). Once that 15 Minute Window passes...

GET YOUR HEAD BACK IN THE GAME

Chances are you were rejected due to a flaw in your manuscript. If people you've only QUERIED are rejecting you, maybe you need to start with your pitch. Re-edit. If you've been re-editing for what feels like forever and you're sick of your story, take a break from it. Start something new. JUST. KEEP. WRITING. Keep the creativity flowing. Hey, maybe even turn the person you were rejected from into an evil monster with sixteen eyes.

Keep trucking along. At some point, re-edit everything: your synopsis, your query, your MANUSCRIPT. Then find other agencies, other contests, and resubmit.

Yes, it's sad you've been rejected (I'm openly weeping for you right now). But the rest of us have been cast away too (even if it was being the kid picked last for dodge ball).

Keep your head up. This is a long distance race, not a short sprint :)

The Rejection Process

I'm slowly considering renaming my blog from The Submission Process to The Rejection Process. The goal this time around, though, was to have people ask for a partial, and one has, so I'm happy with round one of submissions, at least :) I will keep climbing this crazy ladder!

Rejection of any sort makes you doubt yourself. It puts those questions in your head, Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? But in reality, I know nothing is wrong with me. I am a strong writer, though some areas may be weak, which is why my sister and I live edit almost nightly (except for right now because she has company down in Louisiana.) I can't remember whose blog I read, but they said something along the lines of: Being an agent and selecting who to represent is like walking into a huge bookstore. As you do so, you look at a few, and only end up buying one. It's the same with representing an author. My novel is one of those thousands of nameless books in that bookstore. It has to reach the right reader. This gives me perspective and it lessens each blow that says "I don't want you." It's nothing personal, it's just re-shelving me and my book.

When I first wrote this The Dying Process, it was SO weak. I still have an early draft if you'd ever like to read it and laugh with me. But it was the skeleton of something that is blowing my mind and making me consider starting a sequel. There are some parts that I've re-read and almost started crying because I can feel the character's pain an anguish at losing her other half. I want to cry with her because I've lost mine. But the fact that I have these emotions that she's capable of triggering them gives me hope that my writing can and will reach an agent, reach a publisher and start getting my work out there.

At work today, people who offered to read my story were discussing it and allowed me to listen in on some. The biggest compliment I received was them saying, "It's playing out like a movie in my head. I can see everything you're saying perfectly." Followed by, "I can't wait to read the rest."

Rebecca Rasmussen just put up a blog post about having heart, and sticking it out. I believe in my work. My sisters believe in my work. In middle school Mrs. Watchorn continually pushed me along with my writing. In high school people used to steal my notebooks asking "What haven't I read yet?" In college, I had people asking me to sign their copies of Zephyr. I know I am capable of writing things that reach people, that people want to read. 

So as Jay-Z told me as I opened my first big rejection letter, "You gotta get that dirt off your shoulders," and as Reliant K tells me, "I'm pressing on."

Re-Jection

The word REJECTION is funny if you think about it. Re-as in repeated, Jection (if you look it up) has the connotations of: hurl, throw, send, fling, hurl, cast.....as in they throw my manuscript away, they hurl it in the trash...etc. Just as the impact of being impaled from the wall or concrete would hurt...being rejected stings, a lot.

I had been researching an agent for MONTHS, and finally felt my manuscript was strong enough to submit and BAM, rejection in under 20 minutes. It hurts...but it's all part of the game and I have to keep saying that. Thankfully Jay-Z was singing in the background as I opened the e-mail saying, "You gotta get that dirt off your shoulders." And I do. I'm better at handling rejection than acceptance. I always have been.

I think I'll keep collecting my rejection letters. In the end (when I land an agent or get published, or both) I'm going to print them off and make a super awesome dart board (maybe even a Zarts! board). At least that way, I'll have something to look forward to each time I receive a letter saying, "I'm sorry, I won't represent you."

Still waiting to hear back from the rest of them!