"Know Your Value"

Angryface
(This is me after boxing a few years back)

I've always had issues with setting boundaries; with my sisters, with my relationships, with work...etc. I talk too much and tell people my entire life story rather than easing them into it. I try to make rules and guidelines for myself and then obliterate the lines I swore I wouldn't cross again.

I had a really rough day at work yesterday. I walked in, got in a fight with my managers, was accused of lying and being a bad employee (as per usual), and overall, I felt like I was being attacked and not listened to. A customer who'd been standing outside the office during the first confrontation told me as I cashed her out, "Don't let them get to you." And though they were small words, they were like putting air in deflated lungs.

Awhile later, I was pulling forward, and some candy was out of place so I put it back. My manager flipped out on me because it was his candy and he was going to buy it later. I was called selfish, and a bad employee, etc. It's part of my job to make sure the store looks good, and that items that are out of place are put back.

After fighting for a long while, I cashed out another customer. My face was flushed, my teeth were grinding together. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, I'm angry."

She nodded. "Work stuff?"

Unsure of what to say, but not wanting to lie, I nodded.

"You need to set boundaries," she said. She paused like she was waiting for my eye contact, which I gave her. "If your boundaries are crossed..." and she left it at that. I gave handed her her change, and she smiled at me. "Know your value." Then she walked out the door.

I've been mulling over that conversation ever since. It almost seemed like she was telling me to quit my job.

So happy together...

Like my personal value was being affected by my work, and being told I'm a bad employee. It eats my soul. My needs are not met at this job. I am worth more than a barely above minimum wage job.

But it's money. It's reliable. And come December I will have accrued vacation.

Every single day, I need to remind myself, that I won't be at this job forever. It's temporary.

And then I exhale, the day goes on, and I remind myself I'm better than this. And I know, like all the times I'd sing to Baxter, "We're headed for a better life," we truly are.

I'm Ashamed Of My Job

Kind of makes me feel like this:
Sadface

It's true. I really am ashamed of the place I work. Today, I saw a boy who looked faintly familiar, and so I blurted out, "Hey, did you go to UNE?" and he said, "I thought you looked familiar, too."

From there, I cashed him out and we chatted superficially. He wore nice slacks, khaki colored, what appeared to be a tailored green shirt, and a tie. Meanwhile, I wore a dirty pair of khakis  I hadn't showered, and the same shirt I usually wear to work.

I discovered he's a middle school science teacher, and I'm well...I'm a retail associate, ahem, a shift supervisor/retail associate. Even still, the pay sucks, the hours are variable, and I feel like I'm going nowhere. My managers claim to be "joking" but most of the time, I just leave and feel angry and frustrated. I'm not happy there, and I'm really only doing it to make ends meet. Each day, I feel like my soul is dying a bit more.

This is so much of a better place to work...

I'm surprised to find that I'm more proud to be a snowboarding instructor, than to be a cashier. I liked the way people's eyes popped open last year when they said, "What are you up to now?" and I answered, "I'm a snowboarding instructor." It felt like an accomplishment. Like acing a test I'd been unaware of taking.

I think part of it has to do with talent and effort. ANYONE can do retail. But to be able to teach people about their boards, their bindings, how to go down mountains without breaking their necks, knees, or wrists. That takes time. That takes effort. That truly takes skill. Plus, it's fun. You can throw snowballs. You can make snow angels. You can go off jumps and rails.

The pay was substantially lower, but it didn't matter. I was happy being broke. I was happy being late on my rent payments, because if I didn't have work that day, I got to go out and play. And if there was work, well, I still got to play then, too.

In retail, you greet customers, answer the phones, get bitched at when your knee starts throbbing and you need to sit down for five minutes when everyone else gets cigarette breaks whenever they want.

I'm glad that the mountain is opening, and hopefully I'll be able to instruct again, even if it's only on a part time basis. The mountain keeps me centered and sane. Things can go wrong there, and I'm more able to deal with them. In my "full time" retail position, I'm less able, and more quick to anger.

Moral of this post, is if something is eating your soul, chances are that's not the path you're meant to take. If you have to do it to make ends meet, do it, but then pick up, move on. Find happiness again.

It's only a matter a time before I'm there again.

Caffeine And Sleep

I'm a hard worker. I'm headstrong, I'm stubborn, and I get things done. I don't let people push me around.

And why does this matter?

Because...
Last night, I left the lovely state of Georgia after a wonderful afternoon later than I meant to. It took 8 hours (and almost an empty tank of gas...scary.) to get home. I arrived at 3:30am. I got Baxter settled back in, and then called New Mike (sorry I'm calling you New Mike publicly if you read this, but I've mentioned other Mike a lot!) to let him know I arrived safely. (I hear rumor he was worried. I have heart problems and took a caffeine pill before departing, which he discouraged me from, and he REFUSED to let me take a second when the first took too long to kick in. The single dose of 200mg resulted in me having a panic attack on I-95N, and not being able to breathe. Lovely....) Then went to sleep.

Less than four hours passed until I had to be up, shower (because I hadn't showered the day before), and get to work by 8am. So, I worked (and got SLAMMED) at the Front Porch from 8am-4pm. I couldn't breathe through most of it. My heart was giving me trouble but I kept on. I've been at Kitty Hawk Kites since 4pm and will remain here until 10pm.

Why?

Because I'm going to Seattle on Tuesday to ideally start the rest of my life. And I am strong enough to work my ass off, and get money to help send me there. I work three jobs to support my writing habit (and my dog). I will get my break, mark my words.

Also. The eye looks much better. Will post a picture sooonnnnnn. :)