"Know Your Value"

Angryface
(This is me after boxing a few years back)

I've always had issues with setting boundaries; with my sisters, with my relationships, with work...etc. I talk too much and tell people my entire life story rather than easing them into it. I try to make rules and guidelines for myself and then obliterate the lines I swore I wouldn't cross again.

I had a really rough day at work yesterday. I walked in, got in a fight with my managers, was accused of lying and being a bad employee (as per usual), and overall, I felt like I was being attacked and not listened to. A customer who'd been standing outside the office during the first confrontation told me as I cashed her out, "Don't let them get to you." And though they were small words, they were like putting air in deflated lungs.

Awhile later, I was pulling forward, and some candy was out of place so I put it back. My manager flipped out on me because it was his candy and he was going to buy it later. I was called selfish, and a bad employee, etc. It's part of my job to make sure the store looks good, and that items that are out of place are put back.

After fighting for a long while, I cashed out another customer. My face was flushed, my teeth were grinding together. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, I'm angry."

She nodded. "Work stuff?"

Unsure of what to say, but not wanting to lie, I nodded.

"You need to set boundaries," she said. She paused like she was waiting for my eye contact, which I gave her. "If your boundaries are crossed..." and she left it at that. I gave handed her her change, and she smiled at me. "Know your value." Then she walked out the door.

I've been mulling over that conversation ever since. It almost seemed like she was telling me to quit my job.

So happy together...

Like my personal value was being affected by my work, and being told I'm a bad employee. It eats my soul. My needs are not met at this job. I am worth more than a barely above minimum wage job.

But it's money. It's reliable. And come December I will have accrued vacation.

Every single day, I need to remind myself, that I won't be at this job forever. It's temporary.

And then I exhale, the day goes on, and I remind myself I'm better than this. And I know, like all the times I'd sing to Baxter, "We're headed for a better life," we truly are.