Saturday, May 7, 2011

On Balance

There are two worlds for me, and I'm constantly torn between them. The first world is the one I fit very easily into. It's the writing world. It comes naturally, it feels like breathing. I don't know how to live unless there is a piece of paper or easy access to be able to jot my  thoughts down. I write everything; fiction, nonfiction, poetry. It just depends on whose voice I'm hearing in my head at the time.

But let's be realistic for a second. Unless you're Nick Sparks, or Stephen King, or someone equally as well're not going to make a living writing. It may be the end goal some day, but all of the writers I've spoken with have a job, a "real" job as they call it. 

I went to school for Medical Biology rather than English or creative writing. While there, it was English classes and things of the like that kept my GPA up and allowed me to graduate on time. Science....was a bitch. I am not a scientist. But, I do love animals and I am sick of paying vet bills. So, I figured I'd take the veterinary path. My senior year I got an internship, and it was amazing. I got to watch (and assist) in surgeries, and attend symposiums, and I thought that would be the path I took. Go to Vet School (in Cali), and write on the side. 

And so now this leads me to where I'm at; the place I'm constantly torn. The real world: Science. The dream world: Writing. Something I am naturally talented at, verses something I have to force myself to do and rarely understand. Attaining my degree put me at levels of low I didn't know I was capable of. I had never failed until I started taking all biology classes. My head just does not process things the rest of the world does.

It's a constant war inside me and the bottom line it always comes down to is:

What makes me happier?

But more realistically, What will pay the world? Because as crappy as it is, that's how the world works today.

Right now I'm trying to find balance between the two parts of myself, and I'm not sure how I would be able to do that. If I pursue the science track, it will swallow my life and leave barely any time for me to write. If I follow the writing track, it can lead to heart break, but I can keep writing and stay sane. Then again, the writing track may find me. What if an agent follows me, or asks for pages, or...what does that mean? How far can this path take me?

Writing makes me feel better, makes me feel adequate. Science makes me feel like a fucking idiot. I love and hate them both depending on which day it is. They both challenge me in different ways. And so...

There will be a decision to make, very, very soon.

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