Creative Nonfiction

This genre scares the shit out of me, and yet I write it frequently. When I was younger, I was too afraid to have my stories about Alex titled "Alex's Stories" so I code-named him Matt. (I'm not sure why, I really liked the name at the time). 

Anyways...it's always been difficult for me to admit that my writings were truthful, that I loved this person this much, that I cheated on this person, that I cut myself, that I hate myself. 

AWP has helped me step out of that. I've submitted two creative nonfiction pieces (as previously stated in past blogs), and tomorrow I will be shipping off another, one that hits much more close to home and hurts a lot of people. Granted, I hate names so most of my stories lack them (especially when in first person), this one has Mike's name repeated throughout it (though I never use last names). 

I texted Laura today saying "I think he's mad at me," and she replied, "He needs to understand that you're a writer, and he's a story in your life." *This is quoted very loosely* I also told Pat about the story I had submitted. After all it is written from his perspective of the "affair". He told me he hopes it gets published and to let him know how it goes, which amazes me. I never used his name, but I used his mannerisms, and secrets that he told to me in private (I've had him read this story), and he's allowing me to show it to the world. I am so thankful for his support even if it's taken us awhile to get to his place. 

Mike on the other hand constantly tells me that he hopes it doesn't get in ("though if it does, I'll be proud of you"). This hurts, a lot. It's not just our story I'm writing about and getting rejected by. It's my writing ability, my ability to convey something that at the time was important to me, and he doesn't see that. Instead he sees me displaying our failure of a relationship....

Either way, as a writer it's something I'll have to deal with. I will offend a lot of people. But in my poetry class, I defended Sylvia Plath's writings saying "Fuck her kids, it's her writing. If she hated her life, then she should be allowed to write about it." I also get irrationally angry when I hear people bash someone for being honest. I've lied my entire life (and been lied to). I've doubted my entire past (including where I was born). It's time for me to start being able to write about it, and have other people read it. 

It's my story that I'm writing. You know I write scenes and stories from experience. If you don't want to be a character, get out of my life, thanks. :)

Characters

Roland Barthes wrote The Death of the Author. The idea behind this, is that once something is written, it no longer is the author's thoughts or feelings...when reading you cannot factor the author in because it's not him/her thinking/feeling it, it is purely the character. My thoughts on this is that the author removes him/herself from the story so that when you (the reader) reads it, you're not thinking "Did this actually happen to the author?" "Is the writer really this angry?"...It is the writer's job to be able to claim fiction and remove themselves far enough away from their work that they can talk comfortably about it. So that when the love interest dies, they don't break down. After all, this work is fiction. NONE OF IT IS TRUE.


To be completely honest, this is all horse shit. While fiction writers aren't writing a memoir, they still put themselves into their work. For example (and the example I used in my lit theory and criticism class): I wrote a novel about a girl who keeps secrets. In one chapter, you find out she has a brother who abandoned her and her sisters. I took the piece, read it to the class, asked if anyone had ever read this before (claiming it to be written by someone else). No one (save a friend) had read the piece. I asked how things changed if I said I wrote it. The nonfiction portion: I have a brother (half brother) somewhere in the world. I loved him as a child, he left us. Without him, this portion of my character would not exist. However, I am not my character, and she is not me.


Moral of this blog is that all of my characters have traces of me in them (people who know me well enough constantly call me out on this). Some have anger problems, some have mental problems, some fall in love too easily....But the better part of writing is that you can make these people do whatever you want: they can commit murder, they can jump off a roof and be fine, they can fuck the entire soccer team. They can have political views that differ from your own, they can experience things you'll never be able to.


But at the same time, this person you created, you end up loving because well, they're a part of you. You've just invested a day/a week/any amount of time creating that person, getting acquainted. You love them because they're the best and worst parts of yourself....and if you choose, you can kill them off and not have to deal with them again :)


I love writing.