It's Finished! It's Finished!

With the help of Baxter, the support of friends, and a couple of glasses of wine, it is done.

My memoir is complete.

And now to step away from it before going back and editing.

WOO!

Memoir Writing VII: A Tribute To Memoirs

Welcome to the last day of Memoir Week! Hope you all survived. Today, I'm making a tribute to some awesome memoirs I've read in recent years, and hoping that maybe you guys have some to add to the list?

Either way, here is my top ten (in no particular order):

1) Mistaken Identity
2) Loose Girl
3) Smashed
4) Driving with Dead People
5) If I'm Missing Or Dead
6) Three Weeks with My Brother
7) All Creatures Great and Small
8) Marley and Me
9) Go Ask Alice
10) The Bell Jar

Enjoy. Happy writing and happy reading. If there was an issue you would have liked me to cover this week that I missed, let me know either in comment or via e-mail. Thanks for toughing it out!

Memoir Writing VI: Condensing And Memory Lapse

Welcome to day six of Memoir Week. Whew, after that last entry, I'm somewhat terrified, and relieved. Hopefully I still have some followers coming around...(Are you there still?)

Anyways, today's topic is on Condensing and Memory Lapse.

Hands down, favorite notebook,
ever.

At AWP, someone talked about a memoir that had been written. The author went through and wrote about this grand, hours long surgery. He wrote about it once, meaning it had only been one surgery, when in fact, it had been multiple. He felt it was okay to condense all of this into that one passage. What do you think?

Truthfully, there sometimes is a memory lapse; those moments when you try to get the chronological order of things, but without documentation, it's impossible. You can't remember what color the counter top was 14 years ago, or the exact pair of pants. But, there are ways to solve this problem.

One way, is to ask a friend who was around, for help. Ask them questions, get their rendition of what happened. See how it applies to yours. In the end, go with your memory, as this is your memoir, your story, from what you remember.

Another way is to say things like, "It may have been 5a.m. when Jackson snuck out of the house." That way you're not being definitive. You're not saying it WAS 5a.m. you're saying you're unsure. Readers will cut you some slack as long as you're not writing definitives.

One other way is to be point blank and say, "I'm not sure when this happened, but I know this happened." Or even, "Though I'm writing this as one surgery, it was really several surgeries over time." You could even do the old school.* And at the bottom of the page, match the star and elaborate that there's a bit of a fib there. That way the reader won't feel completely cheated.

But if possible, try to trigger those memories. Did you keep a journal at the time? Notebooks? Twitter? Facebook? Photographs? What about asking your friends and family about what happened? What about asking them if they have pictures?

Pretty much, as a reader, I know you're going to lie to me a little bit because you probably don't have a photographic memory. It's called creative nonfiction for a reason, but please, be as truthful as you can be.

Tomorrow's post will be a tribute to memoirs. Stay tuned for the books that rocked my socks.

Memoir Writing V: Writing The Hard Stuff

Welcome to day five of Memoir Week. Today, we take a bit more of a somber note because the topic is writing the hard stuff.

So, what is the hard stuff? It's the things you'd rather not admit to, the things you'd rather forget. Chances are, it's the reason you're writing your memoir in the first place.

When I took on the idea of my memoir, I couldn't handle it. I'd written a blog post in October, updated my fear journal, but I couldn't face what had happened or what I'd done. Dear God, I'd gotten pregnant. Worse yet? I wasn't 100% sure who the father had been. In order to write the memoir truthfully and factually, I'd have to admit these things to myself, and to you guys. I would also have to realize that some of the players involved, weren't completely evil...even if I hate them.

At the time I'd taken the test I was emotionally unstable. There are pictures of my hand three weeks later after I'd punched the crap out of a wall. It got to a point I couldn't handle being awake, breathing. I laid on the couch for days on end, refusing to answer my cell phone, refusing to go into work. Then...I did the unthinkable.

I almost abandoned this little man, but in
the end, he's a huge reason why I'm
still alive.

Suicide became a viable option.

I'd gone so far as to start arranging a permanent home for Baxter so when I was dead, he'd be taken care of. I made posts like THIS or THIS on this blog. I was ready to say goodbye. And then something shifted. Someone in my Alanon group told me, "I burned my bra so that you'd have a choice. Don't let suicide be your option." Then more and more people started telling me, hugging me as I was sobbing, "You deserve the right to live, you deserve the right to make your decision." And so with their support, I made my decision:

I went to a clinic, I cried for days, and then I chopped off my hair again, started wearing jeans more often, and in less than a month, Baxter and I moved to Maine. When we arrived, I fully started going by Lynne, my middle name, rather than my first name because that girl died at the clinic. Even now, as I'm in Michigan I cringe every time someone uses that name because I loathe who I'd been.

I went from being the girl who was waiting for marriage to have sex, to the girl who was pregnant.  I went from the girl who was against abortion and to the girl in the waiting room to get one. And now, I'm writing about it.

The wounds are still fresh, and I'm incredibly angry about all of it. On certain days, the self loathing comes back, and I want to drive my car into a tree. Most of the time as I'm writing The Right To Live I'm on the brink of falling apart. There's a commercial out there about abortion that says something like, "The woman who has an abortion only says fetus, or only thinks of it as tissue." It's not true.

He or she was my child I killed. He or she was a playmate for Baxter, a niece or nephew for my sisters. But, where I am at in my life, I am not ready for a child...emotionally, financially, physically, and so I made my decision. Was it selfish? Yes. Would I have killed myself if I'd chosen to carry it to term and given it up for adoption? Yes.

After a long time of not talking about it, I'm able to write now. I'm also breaking down every time I open my lap-top. I'm panicking as I write this post because I'm afraid to lose followers because of the decision I've made. The bottom line, is that this happened to me, this is who I was, and now I'm someone else. I will never be that girl again.

So, the message today is to write your story. Write until you break down, and then go for a walk, pet your dog, hug someone. Call someone for support. But write your story, because it's yours and it's beautiful, and you deserve to share it. Push through the hard stuff. You survived it once, you can do it again.

Thanks for reading today. I hope you guys don't hate me for sharing this with you...

Tomorrow's blog: Condensing And Memory Lapse

Memoir Writing IV: Handling Potentially Offended Readers

Welcome to day four of Memoir Writing Week! Woot. Yesterday we discussed actually writing the memoir, writing your story, not someone else's.

But, that someone else will still make a cameo appearance, no?

Who saw a picture of Baxter coming here?

In one of the panels at AWP, someone said, "If your friend were writing a memoir, and you showed up, chances are you wouldn't recognize yourself." Why? Because the way we see ourselves is vastly different from the way others see us. This is something to take into consideration when we start to type.

So, you've just written your memoir. You know that your boss will be pissed, that your parents may disown you, or your brother may throw you out of the house you live in. Maybe, your husband is going to divorce you if he reads this. If that's the case, WELL DONE!

Now, for handling those situations.
When I've finished a novel, I'm always apprehensive about talking to my friends about it. Why? Because there is usually a piece of them in it, but I get the luxury of hiding and claiming it as fiction. In memoir...we don't get to hide. So that little tug you feel on your heart saying, "Please don't hate my for this," is probably valid.

When I decided to write my memoir, I thought of who the integral characters were in my story:

Him, who will probably not be named

Her, who will also probably not be named

Me

My friend Allie

My friend Jen

Maybe some Patrick

Maybe some sister

And then everyone I met in Maine when I moved

Me and Patrick before I lost my mind in NC.
Yes, I did ask if it was alright for me to post this picture.

Before I started writing, I talked to Patrick, asked his permission to write about him, asked if he was okay with it. His response? "I've always supported your writing," and for that, I love him. He's allowed me write terrible terrible things about him, even if it's claimed as fiction. He knows who he is in my life, and he allows me the freedom I strive for.

Me and my very young and wise friend, Allie

Then I talked to Allie. Whenever I've finished a novel, she's always been my first beta reader. Not because she shreds it like most betas, but because I want her opinion on whether or not the story is actually a story/has plot/makes sense. However, in my memoir, she plays a completely different role. She is the one who was more responsible than I was, the one who pushes me to be a better person. Truthfully, there won't really be anything bad to say about her, as she is one of the reasons I'm alive and standing right now. She asked to read it when I'm finished.

I talked to my sister about it, and she asked if I had enough distance from what I'm writing about. She worried that not enough time has elapsed.
But not a single one of these people told me, "No, you cannot write this."

I probed more. The people along my path, the stay I made in Virginia during Thanksgiving. I called my friend who housed me and asked his feelings. He said he and his parents would probably be fine with me writing about them, as long as they get to read the segment their in. (At some point, I feel and fear they'll read all of it, and know why I went crazy back then...then I'll have to explain myself, possibly lose them as friends...but...this is a story I need to write.)

For the two who won't be named. I know if this gets published, they'll know exactly who they are and what their part was in me losing my mind. I'm not going to ask permission because when he left me he said, "Write a story about this, get it published." And well..I'm going to do just that. Her? Well, I'm okay with never speaking to her again, either.
At the same time when I say this, even though I hate them, and would still probably prefer them to be dead, I have to be honest with them. Like the Johnny, the ex lover who decapitated the cat, I loved these people for years of my life. Up until the moment I felt betrayed, I still loved them. They weren't evil to me, they were close enough to be family to me.
And now I hate them.
But in order to write a fair and just memoir, I have to allow the reader to know that these people weren't always evil. I didn't always hate them. And at some point while writing this memoir, in order to write it well, I'll have to forgive them for what I hate them for.

So a real quick summary for how to approach potentially offended readers/loved ones:
--You could ask how they feel, or at least give them a heads up. Say, "I'm going to write a memoir, you're going to have a role in it"
--Offer to let them read it. If you choose this option and they fight you on it, make sure that you're staying true to your story
--You may even ask for some input. My memory SUCKS, so a lot of the conversations and things that happened, I'll need help with. I know Allie would be more than willing to assist with this and not be offended, but maybe other people may do the same for you. If they have a hand it it, it may lesson the anger/hurt/resentment
--If you don't want their input, if you don't want to ask permission (because honestly, I don't want that, either), you could at least offer to let them read it ahead of time so if it does hit the stands, they'll know what it says beforehand

If all else fails and you don't want to do any of this, more props to you. Be prepared for the backlash though. (But if there's a lot of backlash, did you really want these people as friends anyway?)

Tomorrows blog will focus on: Writing The Hard Stuff

Memoir Writing III: Selling People Out

Welcome to day three of Memoir Writing. Today, I'm going to focus on what I learned at a panel at AWP; Selling Out Everyone You Love. I'm also going to tie in a couple of other things I learned but...Let's start here.

People say, "Never trust a writer." Why? Because we have this little habit of basing fiction off real life...and then *GASP* some of us write the dreaded memoir. So, our life, and our friend's and family's lives are there for the world to see. So how do we handle this? How do we write about that time when Aunt Sally got drunk and peed her pants on the dance floor? How do we approach that time when Uncle Willy accidentally killed the neighbor's dog and just left it? How do we write about the people we've been in fights with, people who told us their secrets in exchange for ours, and still keep them in our lives? 

Baxter saying, "No, Lynne. Don't write about that time I chewed up that photo album you loved and then proceeded to pee on it when you yelled at me."  (This is a true story, by the way)

Firstly, those of you who follow my blog, know I post a lot of things about real life pretty regularly. I have a personal blog on Xanga that is my "Woe is me," blog. My sister will say things like, "Wow, you're able to just write about that," meaning that I'm not censoring myself, I'm just saying, "This is what happened, this is why I'm pissed."

But blogs are different from Memoir.  Memoir tells a story, your journey through (usually) hell and back.
 Stephen Elliot, author of The Adderal Diaries gave some advice,

"Find your moral line, and never cross it." 

So what's your moral line? What is that one thing that you'll never do, never write about, never say? Notice, this isn't your sister's moral line, this is yours. This is how you'll get to sleep tonight.

Things to consider when you're writing:

*Everyone you know will read it

*You don't know what will set the reader (your potential, mother, grandmother) off

In order to write a memoir well, you need to be able to forgive the people in your life for wronging you. Truth of the matter is, people aren't just evil all the time (except for the guy I lost my virginity to...literally, this kid had and still has no redeeming qualities). In contrast, people aren't always good all the time, either. As writers, and even as specifically memoirists, it is our job, our RESPONSIBILITY to say the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

The truth of this picture may have some potential
law breaking involved....

If you're unable to tell the reader that one good night you had with an ex lover before he crashed your car and decapitated your cat, we won't believe you. After all, why would you be so dumb as to let him in your apartment in the first place? Chances are that you loved him before you hated him...so why did you love him? Keep in mind, if that cat was your sister's cat, too...she may not want you to paint him in this light.  After-all, she hated him from the get-go. She told you he was bad news.

So, some things to consider  before you write your memoir:
This book is about you, and your path. It is NOT about getting literary revenge on Johnny. While he may have had a piece of the puzzle, you only need to show your interactions with him to propel YOUR story forward. This is your story, not Johnny's.

Who are the important pieces of the memoir? Why are they important?

When you write, try not to censor yourself. Don't think of friends, and family, or publication. Think of the story, because clearly, this story is important to you.

As a creative non fiction writer, you have to be willing to sell out YOURSELF before you can really sell out anyone else. If before that ex lover decapitated your cat, you handed him the knife and said, "Dude, cut my cat's head off," we need to see this. We need to see your faults, your truths that you usually leave out of your retellings. People's short comings are really what make us interesting.

With that said, remember all it boils down to is being able to write the story. So, write it before considering who you're going to offend because...

Tomorrow's blog is about handling the pissed off character in your memoir. (Also known as, "Don't you dare write this or you are not my daughter/son anymore!" and how to handle those responses.)

Memoir Writing II: Memoir Survival Kit

Welcome to day 2 of Memoir Writing! Yay. Before we really get down and dirty this week, I thought I'd make a fun post, because let's face it...writing about how we've messed up...umm...

Sucks.

So, in order to deal with these things, I've created the Memoir Survival Kit:

1--An alcoholic beverage of some sort. I prefer wine, vodka, or beer. After each intense scene, take a shot, sip, drink. If you can't drink, I'd recommend a strawberry shake. Maybe a smoothie. Something with a lot of calories to fill the gaping hole you'll feel, because trust me...it'll be there.

2--Good, positive, reassuring company. Allow yourself to take breaks call friends and family, and freak out for a moment. Make sure the people you're interacting with will push you, not hinder you. You need support to take on this project.

3--Things that inspire you. I LOVE James Frey, and I usually have this book with me when I travel because he signed it with an extremely encouraging message, "If I can write a book and get it published, you can too."

4--The ability to do research. These things may consist of; old blog posts, Facebook statuses, notebooks, old texts, or even going and harassing friends and family to get their memory to help your memory.

5--Food. Must remember to eat. Must remember to take care of yourself.

6 and 7--Water, and scenery. Water, because we need to stay hydrated. Scenery, so we can remind ourselves that life, isn't always this crappy. We've survived worse. We're here to tell our stories and to give strength to those people who haven't yet faced what they've been through. We're writers, we give voices to things that otherwise wouldn't see the light of day.

But that doesn't mean we don't need shots when we write. Ernest Hemingway said, "Write drunk; edit sober." 

Cheers!

Tomorrow's blog will talk about:

Selling Out Everyone You Love (a lovely panel from AWP). Basically, I'll be talking about how to approach personal invasion and alienation and subtle ways to say what you need to say without losing friends or family.

Hopefully, anyway.

Reading Anxiety

As a writer, I think my biggest fear (aside from fear of the dark, fear of black widow spiders, fear of clowns...etc) is having new people say, "Hey, can I read what you've written?"

My first instinct is to think "YES!!! A NEW PROOF READER!", and I get really excited... Until I print something off, or go to click the "Send" button through e-mail. It's all fun and games until that point. Right then, I feel crippling anxiety take over, "Oh, God, what if they don't like it?" "What if they find out I'm not as good as I think I am?" Then there's always the fear of, "What if they try to steal my work...my ideas?" (Which has actually happened. I wrote my friend a poem, and he stole a line from it and put it into his story WITHOUT asking. And then proceeded to say "I thought we wrote that together". Yea. No.)

When I send these materials, I find myself constantly apologizing and saying things like, "Let me know if there's anything you don't like." This is (in reality) a good thing to say, I want to edit, I want my work to be more readable to others. But at the same time, I end the e-mail with, "You may not like this...but".

Now--put this in perspective for literary agents or literary magazines. The query and cover letters are supposed to say "This is what my novel/piece is about..." and "I am strong and confident with my work." You're not supposed to apologize. You're not supposed to allow yourself the weakness you feel. You're supposed to expect that they'll love your writing and want to print you...as soon as possible.

Maybe I get more anxious with people I know reading my work (especially Creative Nonfiction...as there are some stories people who know me, just shouldn't know). Maybe I'm afraid of what they'll say about it...Thankfully, most everyone who has read what I've written is constructive with their criticism and willing to read the re-write. They're not afraid to say "This is weak, this is lacking, I am not engaged with your narrator". Some also say, "This line is awesome. I totally know what you mean."

The writing world is terrifying to me. But just as I mentioned being constantly afraid of speaking in public in this blog, I fight through my fear. Every. Day. I. Can. It can only make me a better writer.

A Shout Out To James Frey

Over the summer, I had the chance to FINALLY read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I was blown away by this book. BLOWN AWAY. This man is constantly brought up at conferences (especially those panels dealing with Creative Nonfiction), and usually he is the black sheep of the party. Everyone says "Creative Nonfiction in the world of James Frey," and things like that-- "Tell the truth, the whole truth. Don't just make things up if you're writing Creative Nonfiction!"

From what I'm gaining in understanding, every fiction piece has more truth than you'd like to believe and every creative nonfiction piece has more lies than you'd like to know about. It's how writing works. We put ourselves into our characters. For Creative Nonfiction, we do our best to tell the reader the truth from what we remember, but memories aren't always reliable.

If you're unaware of the controversy surrounding this book, just type "A Million Little Pieces" in your search engine. You'll find a TON of articles saying the author embellished various sections of his "Memoir". But honestly? I don't care about that. I was aware of all of these things before I bought and read the book, and I finally found it in a thrift/used book store last year and sat down to read it.

Here is why I loved it, and consequently, James Frey:
I'm an expert at self loathing. Like really...I don't usually like myself (If you read my Creative Nonfiction pieces, I'm usually a raging bitch...because I am in real life). Frey's account of self loathing, being unable to look in the mirror...everything...his need for self destruction, drinking, drugs...I could relate. At the end of the day, I feel like as writers, that's all we want --Our stories to be relate-able--. I don't care if he wasn't arrested, or if a girl slit her wrists verses hanging herself....the fact is, she's still dead.
James Frey was able to bring you into a world, maybe a world he thought was real...or felt real to him. If you don't like that it was (or is?) called a Memoir, take it as fiction. I still think you should read this book. He made the story relate-able and brilliant and powerful. As a writer I think he succeeded, where as at the level of a Creative Nonfiction writer, he may have failed.  
Everyone is so angry with him for changing the game that they don't really even look at how awesome his work really is. If he had marketed the book as Fiction, everyone would have been raving about it. But I think to him, it wasn't Fiction. Maybe he's starting to creating Partial Creative Nonfiction. Or Exaggerated Creative Nonfiction. Are we as writers allowed to make new genres? After all, if you read any agent's blog, they're always asking for "What's next?" "What will be the new hot trend?"...I think Partial Creative Nonfiction would be pretty sweet. (I'm not kidding). 

A quick warning about the book:
The start was pretty hard for me to get into because of the way it's written. Another reason I am giving him a lot of props is because he used very basic words and with the use of repetition and various other devices that made his sentences so strong, I felt like I was getting sucker punched as I read.

Another warning:
Some of what he says and experiences is pretty graphic. I do not doubt his level of self hate/mental health/addictions. This book will make you depressed while you're reading it. Even if you take him as just a narrator and just a story (rather than a partially or fully true story), it is very intense and if you don't understand addiction or self hate...this is a good step to attaining that knowledge.

I still think about this book a lot, and some parts were difficult for me to read. I recommend it frequently and want more people to read it...even if it's fiction (or part-fiction). Honestly, I don't care. James Frey wrote something, made it a very powerful piece, and I say good job.

On a side note (still related), I just got My Friend Leonard for $0.50 as a thrift store yesterday. I was so excited I asked the woman at the counter to hold it for me so I could run home...and steal money from my sister. If it is anything like his first book, I'm very excited to read it. Even if it's not wholly true.

Creative Nonfiction

This genre scares the shit out of me, and yet I write it frequently. When I was younger, I was too afraid to have my stories about Alex titled "Alex's Stories" so I code-named him Matt. (I'm not sure why, I really liked the name at the time). 

Anyways...it's always been difficult for me to admit that my writings were truthful, that I loved this person this much, that I cheated on this person, that I cut myself, that I hate myself. 

AWP has helped me step out of that. I've submitted two creative nonfiction pieces (as previously stated in past blogs), and tomorrow I will be shipping off another, one that hits much more close to home and hurts a lot of people. Granted, I hate names so most of my stories lack them (especially when in first person), this one has Mike's name repeated throughout it (though I never use last names). 

I texted Laura today saying "I think he's mad at me," and she replied, "He needs to understand that you're a writer, and he's a story in your life." *This is quoted very loosely* I also told Pat about the story I had submitted. After all it is written from his perspective of the "affair". He told me he hopes it gets published and to let him know how it goes, which amazes me. I never used his name, but I used his mannerisms, and secrets that he told to me in private (I've had him read this story), and he's allowing me to show it to the world. I am so thankful for his support even if it's taken us awhile to get to his place. 

Mike on the other hand constantly tells me that he hopes it doesn't get in ("though if it does, I'll be proud of you"). This hurts, a lot. It's not just our story I'm writing about and getting rejected by. It's my writing ability, my ability to convey something that at the time was important to me, and he doesn't see that. Instead he sees me displaying our failure of a relationship....

Either way, as a writer it's something I'll have to deal with. I will offend a lot of people. But in my poetry class, I defended Sylvia Plath's writings saying "Fuck her kids, it's her writing. If she hated her life, then she should be allowed to write about it." I also get irrationally angry when I hear people bash someone for being honest. I've lied my entire life (and been lied to). I've doubted my entire past (including where I was born). It's time for me to start being able to write about it, and have other people read it. 

It's my story that I'm writing. You know I write scenes and stories from experience. If you don't want to be a character, get out of my life, thanks. :)